Where It All Began                       

I was your typical young boy that was starting his first day at school. Immediately I was overwhelmed by the music and the school bell.  My senses where overwhelmed as I have Autism.

Having a rocky start, my Autism didn’t affect my school experience.  What did affect my school experience was getting into trouble a lot. I was getting into trouble not only from the teachers but the principal as well.  Everything I seemed to do was not right in their eyes.
 I felt the rules were extremely harsh and being new to the school and only 5 years old, I was still learning. 
However, that was not something the adults would consider an excuse and I was still constantly being punished for not understanding. 

As you can see, in hindsight, from a very early age I felt that teaching young kids this way was devastating.

Thankfully after one year I moved onto a better school.
This is where I saw out my Primary School years and graduated grade 6.
 I was doing really well throughout the years until I got to grade 5. 
When I reached grade 5, I started showing anger issues.  I think my Autistic features were starting to show more to my peers and their reactions towards them would trigger me.

Hitting this stage in my life was really hard and damaging to my self-esteem. I couldn’t control my actions and I felt that the only help I had was my mum, that’s all.  I was not only resisting at school but was struggling at home also.  I was stressed with my dad and some people from his side of the family too. One of my Autistic traits is stimming, this is where I flap my hands, tap my body and make sounds.  They don’t understand why I do it and see it as an embarrassment.  They try to stop me from doing it but don’t understand how important it is for me to be accepted the way I am and that I need it.

As you can see, by this point, life wasn’t feeling too great for me.

In The Middle of It All                   

I took a lot of my frustration out on my family and close friends, the people I felt safe with, the ones that I knew deep down would have my back but that too came with a price……. GUILT! 

That bothered me a lot and made me feel like I had no energy. 

In time, depression kicked in which made me start isolating myself in a dark room full of stuff that I didn’t use.  The only thing that kept me going was the Xbox and phone.  I would use it everyday to try and keep me happy and occupied but it wasn’t enough.

Eventually, it came to a point where I wanted to do something that my family wouldn’t want me to do……. SUICIDE!
 I knew it wasn’t the right thing to think, I didn’t want to die, I had a lot to live for and am grateful for a lot, but my brain wouldn’t stop thinking it.  I wasn’t happy with who I was and was feeling like I needed to have my whole life planned out and I was lost. 

With the help of my Psychologist Nicole and my Mentor Rick, I started feeling better and have overcome those horrible thoughts.

Where I’m Headed                           

I’m 13 years old and currently, I feel like I want to be on the right track.  I want to move forward but my memories are still a constant reminder which can get in the way and I feel like I can’t escape them. I’m feeling a little bit more in control of my thoughts but I know I still have a long way to go.   I have to work on myself and let people help me.  My mum is always reminding me how far I’ve come with my resilience but I need to believe it.

I really want to improve my relationships with people.  I want to have many friends but I don’t know how.  I’m very socially awkward but I am trying to learn skills to help me achieve that goal.

I’ve always been a smart kid but as I get older, I question how smart I really am.  I’m understanding to concentrate on my strengths as we all can’t be good at everything and  I’m trying to learn how to be proud of myself.

I really want to live a good life with a job that I’m comfortable in.  I want to work hard to get there by focusing on my schooling and I want to gain as much knowledge as I can so I know what I’m doing.

Hopefully in the coming years I am the best version of myself and not that person I was in the past. I want to live by the quote:

“With great power, comes great responsibility”

(if you have the ability to do something, make sure that you do it for the good of others).